cantankerous cankerous
I have in times past extended my childhood be it in thought, action, lifestyle, or other seen or unseen means. Perceptible or not, I have lagged on basic life formalities in the guise of freedom, searching, or other fear based hiding techniques. Techniques used in the attempt to brush life off be it fear of failure, normalcy or stupor. The fear of not really changing in maturation, but merely aging in cynicism with an expanded vocabulary to showcase my ever hardening heart. Be it action, thought or heart. I want to do more. I want to mature. But the steps necessary to that plight I find too steep a price. The romanticism of holding onto whim and not investing in possibly unreturning ventures; simply folding rather losing the pot. For the chance of receipt of hopes or dreams and their loss - the perceived available defeat seems too high. You see whether it be a mirage of self efficiency or an overall front, the illusion is always there. Whether steps are taken or not the only hope I have in any future is God. So while it all might seem rather bleak and null, it really is quite filled with hope. I just have to get my game face on and stop holding back. You see the interests I have while they may vary come down to the bottom line of humanity, you see while interests might keep my creative sanity afloat, they will not keep my stomach fed. I do wish to be as humanly self dependent as possible, yet if I do not relinquish my uncanny ability to will an easier less fulfilling life of childish dreams— non will come. For action is required of any means, dreams or other things. I love the Lord and in myself am an empty shell full of holes. Unable to keep a single thing until the Lord allows me to, although how to contain the uncontainable is quite another proposition entirely. So I shall seek the kingdom of God, in little ways and humbly pretend to listen, but really I will seek for a new heart. God I feel an entirely new heart to beat be the most helpful. I am a corrupt human full of my own self will beyond God’s even when it means I miss a far greater treasure. I see the little cake on the way to the feast and make myself sick with it. Lord help me. And worse still, others seem impressed, or happy with my relationship with God. Perceive that it is good. The only part of it that is worthy of praise is Gods seeking out of me as in the book of Hosea. Consistently patiently asking me back. How is justice done? How is mercy acted? How is a life lived humbly? How in the world can I live a life glorifying to God? That I do not know. People say it is a simple act of love, but as I grow I see it as a far more complex matter. If you see a hungry person on the street and refuse them food, or money are you showing them more love than the person opening a home to them and feeding their stomach- or less? It is up to the person giving or the person receiving? Now the tables are changing, or does it change nothing? How can we as responsible Christians live in any comfort? Or why as children of the most high God we live impoverished? What would that be considered as, basics for one in India, or China, or better yet Melrose? It is all contingent on the very humans personally themselves, or more specifically us as humanity? You see because the basics needed by one and considered rights are mere formalities if not luxuries to others. God is good no matter what, or where or who.
